Greetings, distinguished citizens, curious onlookers, and enemies of proper footwear.

I am James Gray, Ambassador of the Republic of Slowjamastan to the United Kingdom. Proudly serving His Excellency Randy Williams and spreading the sacred message of international friendship, controlled chaos, and opposition to Crocs.

My diplomatic duties include,

• Strengthening relations between Slowjamastan and the UK
• Promoting peace, culture, and occasional nonsense
• Defending civilisation from people who bite string cheese instead of peeling it
• Campaigning tirelessly for the global eradication of Crocs