By order of the Sultan, The Republic of Slowjamastan hereby banishes the following persons from our territories forever, until the end of time…plus another million years.
Is there someone you would banished forever from The Republic of Slowjamastan? CLICK HERE! Include their name and crime/reason for banishment.
The following persons are forbidden entry to The Republic of Slowjamastan:
Name: Alice Gonzalez Yates
Organization: Texas A&M Foundation – The Bush School, Washington DC
Crime: Refusing to shake The Sultan’s hand, being a horrible host in general.
Banished by: Slowjamastan Department of Justice
Effective Date: July 2th, 2024
Evidence: CLICK HERE.
Name: Officer Jonathan Gonzalez
Organization: San Diego Airport Authority Police
Crime: This well-meaning, but overzealous officer dared to cite The Sultan for leaving his vehicle at the airport curb for less than 90 seconds, only because His Excellency was assisting a disabled lady to the door with her luggage. It gets better…
The Sultan’s time away from his diplomatic vehicle was so fast, that quick-draw Johnny there didn’t even have time to write the ticket. He let The Sultan stroll right past him, get in his vehicle and drive away – while Johnny didn’t utter a peep. He did decide to mail a ticket the The Sultan days later, with a note that said “driver fled.” But it gets worse!
On his next couple of returns to the airport, The Sultan “asked around” for Johnny. He just wanted to meet this guy. Word got back to Johnny that The Sultan was looking for him. The next thing you know, The Sultan receives a call from an attorney at the union Johnny belongs to…with a cease and desist request, telling The Sultan not to try to contact Johnny again. I’ll let you draw your own conclusion there. #WeakSauce
Please note that The Sultan does not judge the rest of the law enforcement community based on Johnny’s amateur moves – including the weird “cease and desist” move. How awkward! The Sultan appreciates, respects and supports law enforcement all over America. You can SEE FULL STORY HERE.
Banished by: Slowjamastan Department of Justice
Effective date: July 19th, 2024
Evidence: CLICK HERE.
Name: Vincent James DePalma
Organization: n/a
Crime: Sworn testimony from Evangeline Knipfing: “This toxic man decided to contact the Better Business Bureau and other online platforms to report my company stating it was a scam even though he worked for me; out of spite for ending his employment after he took another job. We took him in, gave him a place to live, a well-paying job, and after he found other employment, thought he could still live in our house rent and bill-free. We drove him where he needed to go, lent him money if he needed it, and fed him. He preys on innocent people trying to help him out and stabs them in the back when they are no longer useful to him. He is unstable and violent and thinks he can simply say he’s peace-loving to get into a new community. Further evidence can be provided if you seek the truth. He has since taken down his violent rhetoric and attempts to extort money from another former employer on his website to make himself look all sparkling clean, but he leaves a big digital fingerprint that I was very careful to document for just such an occasion.”
Banished by: Evangeline Knipfing
Effective date: May 21st, 2024
Name: Kathy Richmond (Guv’nah Mike Nicholson’s Mom)
Organization: n/a
Crime: Sworn testimony from Mike Nicholson: “My Mom had a serious raccoon problem at her home. They were digging up her front lawn eating grubs. First of all, as part of a desert community, I find even having a lawn to be quite bougie-like. Rather than embrace Slowjamastanley’s cousins by providing a grub smorgasbord, she has gone to great lengths to eradicate their nocturnal visits. It wouldn’t surprise me if she was wearing crocs while patrolling her yard at night but despite my best intelligence reports that is still unverified. She better hope not, or else. We grew up as a nature-loving family and the thought of raccoons having to go down the street for a good meal breaks my heart. Knowing how near and dear Slowjamastanley is to my heart, this is just another instance of my Mom putting her needs above all others. This nearly clinches my adoption suspicions but because of the will I’ll keep that to myself.”
Banished by: Guv’nah Mike Nicholson
Effective date: March 31st, 2024
Name: Marty Carew
Organization: n/a
Crime: Sworn testimony from Ray Pustinger: Martin Patrick Carew, aka the defendant, the banishee, has been riding dirt bikes in the desert with me, Navigator Ray, and the Calico Riding Club for twenty years. On every ride, no matter what length, after approximately 85% of the mileage is complete, the defendant breaks ranks, abandons all trail discipline, with callous disregard for fire/life/safety and common sense, and with no warning, suddenly gasses it and leaves his buddies in the desert to die. The defendant should be banished for the protection of those who may make the mistake of following, unaware that Martin’s unsanctioned Barn fever may lead to a slow and painful death, (or a sudden and dramatic one as nearly occurred when Martin decided to cross an active train trestle bridge, traveling on it for nearly a 1/4 mile with only inches between the tracks and the side rail, and a $&@ing train came across it nearly flattening the 6 hapless fools who followed). This alone should be ample reason for banishment, however, the chief case in point is the defendant’s hypocrisy, after spending the first 85% of every trip yelling at fellow riders who failed to “mark their corners.”
Banished by: Ray Pustinger
Effective date: May 17th, 2022
Name: Justin Timberlake
Organization: “Vehicle Service Department”
Crime: “Justin Randall Timberlake is an enemy of the public and I miss *NSYNC. A lot, a lot.”
Banished by: Javi Gomez
Effective date: January 26th, 2025
Name: Susie
Organization: “Vehicle Service Department”
Crime: Robocalls, illegal call spamming
Banished by: The Sultan
Effective date: September 27th, 2021
Evidence: CLICK HERE.
Name: Tom Brody
Organization: n/a
Crime: Foreign meddling. Attempting to start a war with The United States (Slowjamastan is a peace-loving nation).
Banished by: The Sultan
Effective date: December 12th, 2021
Click HERE to request an official banishment.