Slowjamastan Laws, Statutes and Regulations:
The following laws, statutes and regulations are hereby set forth by The Slowjamastan Federal Police as formed during the Throckmorton Convention and may be updated, amended, added to or deleted at any time.
Crocs are not allowed inside the Republic of Slowjamastan
Punishment for violation: We will forcibly remove a “Croc” and beat you over the head with it.
All citizens and visitors must know the difference between “your” and “you’re.”
Any person displaying that they do not know the difference between “your” and “you’re” will be banished from our territory and not allowed back in until they learn the difference and can prove it by passing a written test.
It is forbidden to “reply all” to an all-staff email unless it is absolutely necessary. And it probably is never necessary.
Punishment for violation: You will be forced to write in Comic Sans font for 30 days. All other fonts will be deleted from your computer.
“Mumble Rap” is not permitted to be played publicly.
Punishment for violation: You will be assigned to listen to full-length albums from real hip-hop artists, including (but not limited to) L.L. Cool J, De La Soul, Kool Moe Dee, A Tribe Called Quest and Queen Latifah. You’ll then be required to submit a 500-word (minimum) report to show your understanding and comprehension of the differences between true hip-hop and mumble rap.
The Microwave “Clear Button Law”
Slowjamastan’s “Clear Button Law” requires citizens to press the “clear” button when removing food from the microwave before the timer expires. The law serves a dual purpose: firstly, it ensures that citizens don’t leave the microwave timer running unintentionally, saving energy and preventing potential fire hazards. Secondly, it reverts the microwave display back to the current time, promoting time awareness, and encouraging punctuality. This small action has a big impact on energy efficiency and time management in Slowjamastan, fostering a more responsible and organized society.
Slowjamastan Airspace: It is forbidden to remove your shoes and/or put your feet on the bulkhead of an aircraft while over Slowjamastan airspace.
Any passenger committing such barbaric acts shall not be allowed to fly over Slowjamastan airspace for a period of no less than three years.
Toilet Paper Roll Orientation (Over or Under?)
If you have to ask, Slowjamastan is not for you.
Speeding is not allowed unless you are bringing home tacos. Cold tacos are the worst. We totally understand.
Any driver going over the speed limit will be assigned to roadside litter-pickup and/or be ordered to give a foot massage to The Sultan.
The left lane is for passing only. It doesn’t matter if you’re going 200mph – if you’re not passing, you’re in the wrong lane.
Punishment for violation: You will wear two pieces of bread and a name tag that says, “I’m an idiot sandwich” for 15 days.
It is expressly forbidden for passengers of vehicles, moving or stationary, to place their feet (or foot) on the dashboard. (What, were ya raised in a barn?!)
Punishment for violation: You must clean and sanitize the dashboard and will not be allowed to travel in a vehicle for 30 days.
We are currently updating and revising the Slowjamastan Federal Statute and Constitution. Stay updated on the latest news in Slowjamastan by following the Slowjamastan Ministry of Media and Communications news feed HERE.