Help Build Slowjamastan National Airport

Slowjamastan International Airport is Coming…No, Really

Okay, yes—we have technically been talking about a “Lazy River” since 2021. And yes, it has yet to… materialize. But we appreciated how enthusiastically you pretended it was a real thing. Who knows? One day we might build a Lazy River. And one day I might take up jogging. So let’s call both “aspirational.”

That said, not everything we announce is a whimsical mirage brought to you by desert heat and unchecked optimism. Some things are very real. Independence Square? Built in 2021. Standing proudly. The Porder Wall? Also real. Completely surrounding our nation, as any serious country does. The Immigration Checkpoint? Operational. Thorough. Mildly intimidating. And let us not forget the proud S.S. Badassin SandMarine, bravely patrolling our sovereign sands as only a landlocked navy can.

You want infrastructure? We’ve got a square, a fully operational border checkpoint shack, and—yes—a SANDmarine. What more could a thriving nation possibly need?

Which brings us to the next inevitable milestone: an airport.
Will it have a five-mile runway? No.
Will it have a helipad? Absolutely.
Will the control tower be a shipping container bravely standing upright, pretending it went to aviation school? Without question.

But make no mistake—there will be an airport. History will record it. Aviation charts may not, but history will.

And this is where you come in. Citizens, patriots, future frequent flyers—we need your help to make this bold, modest, slightly impractical dream take flight.

Artist’s rendering of the plans: a helipad, a hangar, a tower, and several other ambitious lines on paper awaiting full government approval and a strong tailwind of funding.

Let’s go over our very transparent and frankly slightly daunting budget. Below is a rough estimate (emphasis on rough):

Concrete helipad and foundation for hangar: $34,780
(Yes, we were also shocked. Yes, we shopped around. Apparently concrete now thinks it’s marble.)
Airplane hangar purchase and installation: $22,240
(Turns out airplanes insist on shelter. Divas.)
Signage, windsock, landing lights, and miscellaneous aviation-adjacent accessories: $2,056
(The windsock alone adds at least 30% legitimacy.)

Slowjamastan witnessed its first test flight in and out of the proposed airport space on Sunday, January 25th—officially proving that aviation works here, at least once.

Now, how will we pay for this? Taxes, obviously.
Except for one tiny, nation-threatening oversight: we signed up over 25,000 citizens and didn’t charge them so much as a single dime. Rookie move. Absolute blunder. We regret nothing.

So what’s our next move? Crowdfunding.

No pressure whatsoever—but if you’d like to help us build our airport, simply go HERE.

What’s in it for you? Well, if the warm feeling of knowing you helped build the airport of the world’s newest nation isn’t enough, we’ll also inscribe a brick with YOUR name on it for donations of $99 or more. (And don’t worry—if all you’ve got is a $20 bill, we still respect you deeply.)

We’re not sure if Slowjamastan Airlines will ever become a real thing—but if it does, raccoons will fly free!

And here’s the big one: The Sultan will match every dollar.
He may have to take out a second mortgage on his house. He may briefly panic. But rest assured—he will get it done, by any means necessary.

Thank you in advance. Your generosity will be remembered forever. Or at least etched into a brick.