Slowjamastan’s Royal Navy in Search of a Few Good Men
(and Women and Children!)

 

PER ORDER OF HIS EXCELLENCY, RANDY “R DUB!” WILLIAMS, SULTAN OF SLOWJAMASTAN
* ADMIRALTY OF THE SULTAN SEA RECRUITMENT ANNOUNCEMENT * 

 

The Admiralty is accepting applications for the following positions as crew members of the recently commissioned vessel SS BADASSIN (SSBN-2). All applicants must be current or potential future citizens of the Republic or regular listeners to Sunday Night Slow Jams or anyone passing by the Homeland on Route 78. All applicants must agree to abide by the laws of the Republic. (Summary of laws available HERE).

 

Captain/Commanding Ossifer
Berating junior ossifers in front of the swabbies, locking oneself in cabin and sulking

Eggsecutive Ossifer
Yelling at enlisted personnel, Punishing crew members (e.g. keelhauling, or making offender walk the plank when vessel in on the surface), cooking yummy omelets for captain and fellow ossifers.

Navigating Ossifer
Memorizing and repeating the following phrases: “Red Right Returning?,” “Is that an iceberg in the Sultan Sea?”

Torpedo Ossifer
Memorizing and repeating the following phrases: “Tubes one through six ready to fire, Captain!,” “Torpedoes LOS!”

Missile Ossifer
Memorizing and repeating the following phrases: “Missiles away, Captain,” “I didn’t know it was armed !?!”

Reactor Ossifer
Memorizing and repeating the following phrases in sequence: “You can’t drain too much cooling water from a nuclear reactor” (both meanings of the phrase), “Is it getting hot in here, or is it just me?,” “No Chernobyl on my watch !!!”

Petty Ossifer
Insulting, backstabbing and spreading rumors about other petty ossifers

Bosn’s Mate
Distributing life jackets during battle stations, during sinking of vessel, during reactor meltdown, and other emergency situations
Prerequisites: Knowing how to row a boat, knowing the unabbreviated form, and meaning of, the term ‘Bosn’

Swabby
Enlisted personnel responsible for general maintenance of the vessel. Duties may include, but are not limited to, the following: swabbing

Choose one, see descriptions above.