Thor Finnegan hails from La Grange, Kentucky, where he serves his community as a real estate investor, stand-up comedy writer, and dedicated connoisseur of cured meat products. A United States Marine Corps veteran, Thor brings the same discipline he once applied to serving his country to consuming an entire box of mini Slim Jims in a single sitting.

As Minister of Processed Meats, Thor understands that the greatest threats to a nation’s wellbeing come in two forms: inferior snacks and foam footwear. In an era of escalating tensions with the global Croc industrial complex, Thor stands ready to defend Slowjamastan’s borders against rubber-soled incursion — one meat stick at a time.

He accepts this appointment with honor, a shirt the Sultan himself would either love or immediately ban, and a full mouth.