Citizens, Loyal Subjects, and Concerned Anti-Croc Patriots,

Yesterday, some of you may have witnessed disturbing border security footage in which The Sultan appeared to allow a young child to enter Slowjamastan while wearing Crocs. Your outrage was justified. In fact, your outrage was the correct response, and we commend you for your bravery in shouting at your monitors.

But today, we ask you to take a deep breath, unclench your Dubles, and trust the process. Trust The Sultan. Trust that everything you saw was part of a highly-classified, ultra-sophisticated national defense initiative known as Operation CrocGate.

Allow us to explain:

Upon entry, the child’s Crocs were immediately confiscated, sanitized, incinerated, and then launched into the sun. Preliminary reports confirm they screamed on the way up.

Next, the child was safely admitted into the Slowjamastan Reeducation Camp, where she will spend the next 14–16 hours learning the difference between “fashion” and “rubber abominations.” Early reviews from camp counselors indicate she’s responding well and already expressing remorse.

Meanwhile, our elite Ministry of Tourism Agents™ executed a high-pressure sales pitch on the child’s parents. We are proud to announce that they successfully purchased a very luxurious Slowjamastan timeshare at an equally very luxurious price. Their wallets are now loyal citizens of our nation, even if they are not.

So rest assured, dear people: what looked like treason was actually strategy. What looked like Croc leniency was Croc entrapment. And what looked like a simple border incident was actually—once again—The Sultan playing 4D chess at a Uno tournament.

Slowjamastan remains safe. The Crocs remain crushed.
And The Sultan remains… well… The Sultan.

End of Statement.