Thadmiral Jamie Howell – Slowjamastan Coast Guard


Slowjamastan Coast Guard (SCG)

Role: Military branch and whatevs

Founded: 2022

Motto: Semper est interdum 

Primary missions:

  1. To detect and interdict illicit materials (specifically Crocs) from entering Slowjamastan Territorial Waters.
  2. Conduct Search and Rescue in the Salton Sea and future water park.
  3. Ensure that all vessels in Slowjamastan Territorial Waters are operating in accordance with Slowjamastan laws and staying hydrated.
  4. Conduct CESDWAWWDHWDO* operations as necessary.

* Covert, Extra Secret Don’t Worry About What We Do and How We Do It


Organizational Structure

The Thadmiral, Commandant of the Slowjamastan Coast Guard 

General officer positions from highest to lowest to be filled as necessary.

Functioning Officer (FO)

Useless Officer (UO)

Enlisted ranks from highest to lowest, to be filled as necessary:

Chief Sargent (CS)

Regular Sargent (RS)

Boot recruit (BR)

Super Boot recruit (SBR)

Message from the Thadmiral:

My fellow Slowjamanis,

 I am honored to have been appointed by the Sultan as the first Commandant of the Slowjamastan Coast Guard. I assume this role from humble beginnings. When I immigrated to this country from America, I had no idea that I would one day become the leader of most powerful Coast Guard of all the desert, land locked countries in the world. Through a moderate amount of work, red tape and bribes, I was able to earn this coveted position. My duty to the Sultan extends to the citizens of Slowjamastan. Under my watch, our nation’s waters will be safer and free of harmful illicit Crocs. The Crocs stop here!

-The Thadmiral


Please contact the Consulate of Slowjamastan for any Slowjamastan Coast Guard inquiries/opportunities.

Report any Maritime Croc sightings to the Croc Stoppers Hotline! (Hotline number published here soon)