Los Angeles and Orange County, CA – In a diplomatic move that rattled local coffee shops and confused several Uber drivers, The Sultan of Slowjamastan and his ever-vigilant Chief Porder Batrol Agent descended upon Los Angeles and Orange County this week-long for a whirlwind press tour designed to raise eyebrows, awareness, and possibly bail money.

First stop: KTLA TV 5, where The Sultan—adorned in his signature green suit, aviators, and a fragrance best described as “royal yet suspiciously like Axe body spray”—took over the morning news segment with the grace of a late-night infomercial host. While anchors attempted to steer the conversation toward “local interest,” The Sultan passionately spoke for seven straight minutes about banning Crocs and the geopolitical implications of eating tacos standing up.

The Chief Porder Batrol Agent, armed only with a fake badge and a clipboard full of citizen citations, quietly patrolled the studio perimeter, checking for undocumented footwear.

Next, the royal motorcade—consisting of a 1993 Lincoln Continental Limousine, “Porder Batrol” truck and The Sultan’s cruiser—rolled into KFI AM 640, where The Sultan discussed Slowjamastan’s economic policy: “Buy low, sell Slowjamastan passports high.” At KNX 1070, he pivoted to foreign affairs, specifically Slowjamastan’s tense but oddly flirty standoff with the nearby town of Tujunga. “We send them fruit baskets. They respond with memes. It’s modern warfare,” the Sultan declared.

Of course, no trip to Los Angeles is complete without a stop at the Hollywood Walk of Fame, where the Sultan searched in vain for his own star, declaring loudly to passing tourists, “This is clearly a clerical error.” The Chief Porder Batrol Agent issued several citations to Elvis impersonators and one mime—“for excessive silence in a high-traffic zone.”

Additional stops included:

• A brief but powerful diplomatic meeting at In-N-Out, where the Sultan ordered “The Peace Treaty Animal Style.”
• A visit to the La Brea Tar Pits, where the Chief Porder Batrol Agent attempted to detain a suspiciously still saber-toothed tiger statue.
• A strategic photo op at Randy’s Donuts, because diplomacy is nothing without carbs.

The tour concludes with a final message from The Sultan: “We came. We saw. We questioned Los Angeles’ dress code. And we leave knowing that Slowjamastan is now, indisputably, the cultural epicenter of the West Coast.”

The Chief Porder Batrol Agent added, “Also, three Crocs wearers were apprehended and sent home with strongly-worded Post-It notes. Justice was served.”

Stay tuned for the next tour stop: Bakersfield or possibly Belize, depending on gas prices.

The Sultan invites you to become a citizen of Slowjamastan HERE.