Harvey Schmidlap, the esteemed News & Propaganda Director and Head Reporter for Slowjamastan State News, owes his prestigious position to none other than The Sultan—a man of discerning taste and an apparent knack for recognizing exceptional journalism potential in a sea of mediocrity.

Having cut his teeth on hard-hitting exposés like “The Sultan’s American Parking Ticket Scandal” (a riveting tale of bureaucratic mishaps and diplomatic eyebrow raises), Harvey’s career trajectory skyrocketed faster than a camel in a sandstorm. His coverage of the controversial renaming of the Salton Sea to the “Sultan Sea” sparked international debate, though locals were less concerned, given their focus on more pressing matters like the annual date harvest festival.

But it’s not just headline-grabbing scandals that define Harvey. His fearless reporting on Slowjamastan’s borders, meticulously documenting the alarming rise in Croc apprehensions, has earned him a reputation as the go-to guy for all things Slowjamastan.



And then there’s the matter of his striking resemblance to The Sultan—a coincidence, surely, but one that hasn’t gone unnoticed by the gossip mill of Slowjamastan. With his chiseled features and an enigmatic smile that could launch a thousand slow-motion news intros, Harvey has become an unintentional heartthrob among the local paper’s readership, who eagerly await his next exposé as much for the news as for the occasional glimpse of his dashing Sultan-esque visage.

In the quirky, yet oddly glamorous world of Slowjamastan, Harvey Schmidlap stands as a beacon of journalistic integrity, sartorial splendor, and unyielding devotion to The Sultan’s vision.


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