SLOWJAMASTAN — In a hastily organized press conference held in front of the Ministry of Sand and Silence, The Sultan of Slowjamastan flatly denied the existence of what whistleblowers are calling “The Finkledorf List”—an alleged roster of top government officials involved in a secret, after-hours Croc-wearing ring believed to be orchestrated by exiled former bureaucrat Harry Finkledorf.

“There is no list. There has never been a list. And if there was a list, which there isn’t, your Supreme Leader certainly wouldn’t be on it,” declared The Sultan, sporting his signature ostrich-leather loafers, flanked by advisors nervously tugging their pant legs down.

The controversy began when a blurry photo surfaced online, showing what appears to be several high-ranking ministers gathered in a dimly lit garage, clinking bottles of Baja Blast and—most damningly—wearing bright, foam-based footwear.

While the government initially dismissed the image as “deeply faked” and “possibly Canadian propaganda,” slow-leaked text messages revealed officials referencing “Operation Swiss Cheese,” “Late Night Jibbitz Parties,” and “meeting at Fink’s place—bring socks.”

Finkledorf, once Slowjamastan’s Deputy of Dignity Enforcement, was banished in 2023 for suggesting Crocs were “ergonomically misunderstood.” His whereabouts remain unknown, though recent Duble transactions trace to a Croc Outlet in Yuma.

“The idea that our top officials are participating in an underground Croc cabal is utterly ridiculous,” said Press Secretary Tim Richards. “And even if they were, which they aren’t, it was just for comfort, not ideology.”

Despite mounting evidence—including a seized shipment of size-12 orange Crocs labeled “For the Minister of Secretly Fabulous Footwear”—The Sultan insists the so-called Finkledorf List is a fabrication, likely invented by jealous micronations or rogue journalists from Barstow, California.

“I repeat,” said The Sultan, slamming his fist on the podium. “There. Is. No. List.”

He then paused, looked directly into the camera, and added ominously, “But if there was, the consequences would be… perforated.”

Developing…

The Sultan invites you to become a citizen of Slowjamastan HERE.