BY HARVEY SCHMIDLAP l STAFF WRITER
December 4th, 2025
SAN DIEGO — In a dazzling display of espionage brilliance, The Sultan of Slowjamastan pulled off his most audacious coup yet: infiltrating The American Media™ itself.
Disguised as mild-mannered “Earl Farkward,” a so-called holiday specialist with suspiciously impeccable facial hair, The Sultan managed to secure a coveted guest spot on KUSI-TV in San Diego. His mission? Deliver “expert holiday tips” to the unsuspecting American public.
And deliver he did.
Between advising viewers to hydrate, hug relatives, and avoid inflatable yard décor at all costs, “Earl” slipped in the most critical tip of the season: Do NOT wear Crocs. Ever. A warning so bold, so brave, it could only come from a true patriot… of Slowjamastan.
The anchors nodded. The viewers listened. No one suspected a thing.
By the time the segment ended, the Slowjamastan gospel had been broadcast across the nation—mission complete, infiltration successful, identity fully undetected.
Some say the greatest tricks in history are pulled off in the shadows.
The Sultan prefers to do his on live television.
Become a Slowjamastan citizen for free, HERE.
How frustrating! What ought to be a simple task to perform a simple courtesy, replying to your invitation for the grand event on 25 January next (Yes, I fully intend to be there unless I drop off into the black hole of cyberspace–always a worry) seems impossible. The simple reason: the only avenues for replying, to wit Facebook and email, are closed to me because I do not do either. So what is an honest Luddite to do?
Please explain to me how this electronic rabbit hole makes our lives better; never mind, I won’t believe you.
In the immortal words of Charlie Brown, AAAAAAAGGGGGHH!