BY HARVEY SCHMIDLAP l STAFF WRITER
July 15th, 2025
MONTREAL – In a moment that can only be described as “moderately historic,” The Republic of Slowjamastan made its grand diplomatic debut in Montreal, Canada this week—armed with flaky pastries, fizzy beverages, and an inflated sense of national importance.
The Sultan touched down in majestic fashion via a Canadian Coast Guard helicopter, because nothing says international diplomacy like commandeering emergency rescue services. Meanwhile, Chief Porder Batrol Agent Mark Corona made a slightly less regal arrival aboard WestJet, seat 31B, middle, between a crying toddler and a man eating tuna.
Sultan’s Squad Storms Statues, Sips Sodas, Scours for Croissants
Once united on Canadian soil, the Slowjamastani delegation embarked on an aggressive cultural exchange program, which included devouring croissants with the seriousness of a UN summit, drinking Orange Juleps like diplomats on spring break, and touring Montreal’s many statues—taking careful notes for the eventual construction of the 120-foot “Monument to The Sultan’s Hairline.”
MicroCon Madness: Monarchs, Micronations, and Mysterious Men in Capes
But the croissants and statues were merely the hors d’oeuvres. The main course? MicroCon 2025—a gathering of micronational leaders, power-hungry hobbyists, and a suspicious number of cape-wearers. Here, The Sultan rubbed elbows with global visionaries, including the esteemed Kevin Baugh, President of Molossia, who reportedly gave The Sultan a friendship bracelet and three bags of sand.
Sultan Shocks Summit with San Diego Slowjamastan Showdown
The climax of the weekend came when The Sultan seized the podium and boldly announced that Slowjamastan will host MicroCon 2027 in San Diego. Gasps were heard. A man in a cape fainted. The Molossian delegation slow-clapped.
“We will make MicroCon 2027 the greatest microgathering in macronation history,” The Sultan declared, likely misquoting himself moments later.
As the Coast Guard chopper lifted off into the Montreal sunset (while WestJet Airlines attempted to locate Agent Corona’s return flight), one thing was clear: world peace is still a distant dream—but croissants and chaos are alive and well in the Republic of Slowjamastan.
The Sultan invites you to become a citizen of Slowjamastan HERE.