Carlsbad, CA – In what will surely go down in diplomatic history as the greatest micronational misunderstanding since Molossia banned catfish, the Supreme Leader of Slowjamastan, His Excellency The Sultan, and his trusted Chief Porder Batrol Agent were warmly welcomed to Carlsbad High School last Friday to speak with AP Government students about the real-world applications of international law, statehood, and travel.

The Sultan, a noted globetrotter and sovereign of the 11-acre nation of Slowjamastan (population: fabulous), spent nearly three hours engaging seniors in thought-provoking discussion. Students examined the Montevideo Convention’s four criteria for what defines a country—permanent population, defined territory, government, and capacity to enter into relations with other states. The classroom buzzed with debate: Is Kosovo a country? What about Taiwan? And where, exactly, does Slowjamastan fit into the geopolitical puzzle?

 

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The session then shifted to the Sultan’s journey to all 193 UN member states and beyond, where he answered student-submitted questions about obscure and often misunderstood nations like Nauru, Equatorial Guinea, Brunei, and Somalia. Students asked smart questions. The Sultan gave smart answers. A good time was had by all.

Well—almost all.

Enter: Karen, a self-appointed arbiter of virtue and unofficial president of the Concerned Citizens for Overreaction Committee. Though not in attendance and apparently unaware of the concept of satire, Karen took grave offense—not to the Sultan’s content or message, but to the Chief Porder Batrol Agent’s clearly parody-laden vehicle, complete with intentionally misspelled decals and a satirical title meant to lampoon—not imitate—government enforcement agencies.

In an impassioned letter to the school, Karen accused the visiting dignitaries of “traumatizing” families and invoked a dramatic whirlwind of buzzwords: racial profiling, ICE impersonation, and “tone deafness,” all culminating in the nuclear option—threatening to “go to the media.”

So here we are, Karen.

In an open letter responding to the uproar, The Sultan reminded readers that the event was not a recruitment session for Homeland Security, but rather an exercise in critical thinking, global literacy, and yes—humor. The satirical misspelling of “Border Patrol” as “Porder Batrol” was intentional, absurd, and… apparently too sophisticated for the irony-impaired.

“What was meant to be a playful dismantling of bureaucratic authority has now been framed as a hostile act of intimidation,” The Sultan said, while sipping Orangina from a Slowjamastani Embassy-branded canteen. “We didn’t create fear—we created a classroom full of engaged, curious young adults exploring questions of sovereignty. You know… education.”

While students praised the presentation and teachers expressed gratitude for the enriching discussion, Karen doubled down—demanding guarantees that no more Slowjamastani officials be permitted on campus in this “political climate.”

Ironically, in her attempt to protect students from an invented threat, Karen completely missed the opportunity to celebrate what was arguably the most relevant civics lesson of the year: that statehood, authority, and governance are not always black and white—and sometimes, they come with a punchline.

Meanwhile, Slowjamastan has reaffirmed its commitment to peaceful satire, cultural diplomacy, and the total ban of Crocs within its borders.

The Sultan concluded his open letter with a signature phrase now trending among students at Carlsbad High:

“Crocs are banned. Satire is not.”

Related: Coast News: “Border Patrol parody at Carlsbad High sparks confusion, concerns”

The Sultan invites you to become a citizen of Slowjamastan HERE. All our welcome. Yes, even you, Karen. The Sultan loves EVERYBODY! (He just hates Crocs!)