BY HARVEY SCHMIDLAP l STAFF WRITER
July 31st, 2025
SAN DIEGO — The Third Annual Guac-Off unfolded today at the San Diego Food Bank, deep in the heart of the United States of America—where once again, foreign interference (read: “America”) tampered with the sacred art of competitive guacamole.
The Sultan of Slowjamastan—clearly still reeling from last year’s election-style fiasco—arrived determined to reclaim his rightful crown. His Excellency came armed with a bowl of glorious green splendor, laced with pomegranate jewels, crumbled feta, and the royal crunch of crushed walnuts. Round One? Crushed it. Like a tortilla chip in the hands of destiny.
Then came Round Two. The Sultan, never one to guac quietly into the night, unveiled a flavor symphony featuring mango, bacon, jalapeño, glazed pecans, and yes—apple shavings. Apple. Shavings. Witnesses described it as “a culinary slap to the face, followed by a warm hug.”
But alas, the forces of avocado injustice struck again. Despite clearly winning the taste war, The Sultan was eliminated—victim of what can only be described as a covert operation by the Guacamole Industrial Complex.
Still, no hard feelings. Over 100,000 Avocados from Peru were donated to the San Diego Food Bank, feeding thousands and preventing a full-scale diplomatic meltdown between Slowjamastan and California.
The Sultan will return next year. And next time, he’s bringing raisins and a lie detector.
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The Sultan invites you to become a citizen of Slowjamastan HERE.