BY HARVEY SCHMIDLAP l STAFF WRITER
July 31st, 2025
SAN DIEGO — The Third Annual Guac-Off unfolded today at the San Diego Food Bank, deep in the heart of the United States of America—where once again, foreign interference (read: “America”) tampered with the sacred art of competitive guacamole.
The Sultan of Slowjamastan—clearly still reeling from last year’s election-style fiasco—arrived determined to reclaim his rightful crown. His Excellency came armed with a bowl of glorious green splendor, laced with pomegranate jewels, crumbled feta, and the royal crunch of crushed walnuts. Round One? Crushed it. Like a tortilla chip in the hands of destiny.
Then came Round Two. The Sultan, never one to guac quietly into the night, unveiled a flavor symphony featuring mango, bacon, jalapeño, glazed pecans, and yes—apple shavings. Apple. Shavings. Witnesses described it as “a culinary slap to the face, followed by a warm hug.”
But alas, the forces of avocado injustice struck again. Despite clearly winning the taste war, The Sultan was eliminated—victim of what can only be described as a covert operation by the Guacamole Industrial Complex.
Still, no hard feelings. Over 100,000 Avocados from Peru were donated to the San Diego Food Bank, feeding thousands and preventing a full-scale diplomatic meltdown between Slowjamastan and California.
The Sultan will return next year. And next time, he’s bringing raisins and a lie detector.
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The Sultan invites you to become a citizen of Slowjamastan HERE.
Impressive presentations, sire! Make me want to dip right in, and I don’t even like guacamole. I can only surmise that either blatant anti-monarchial prejudice, or perhaps atrophied tastebuds affected the guac governors’ judgement in stripping you of your rightful title. Were I in your shoes, I would demand a new slate of judges be empaneled at once.
You made guac the way my mother made it. Is it pure coincidence or did she contact you in a seance from beyond the grave? I consider myself to be a guac connoisseur, after your Royal Majesty of course. My condolences to you for dealing with unenlightened prejudices. The judges probably would have given your guac 1st. place were it not for their agenda-driven idiosyncrasies. They may have been bribed. Such a scandal will never be forgotten and it may require extensive investigation. Fortunately due to your egalitarian philosophy an international crisis in relations has, alas been averted. Being diplomatic is required when dealing with the forces that be. A votre sante my liege.
You flatter me most exquisitely. Truly, the spirits of your mother—and perhaps a few particularly judgmental avocados—did commune with me in the sacred mortar. As for the judges, yes, one suspects bribery, collusion, or at the very least, a mysterious aversion to culinary divinity. But fear not: Slowjamastan’s diplomatic corps has already dispatched three carriers pigeons and a singing telegram to ensure the international guac equilibrium remains intact.
À votre santé, and may your chips forever be crispy.