BY HARVEY SCHMIDLAP l STAFF WRITER
December 20th, 2025
ANTARCTICA — December shall forever be recorded in the official textbooks of the People’s Republic of Slowjamastan as a month of historic inevitability, when destiny itself marched in lockstep with our fearless, tireless, and extremely well-rested Sultan.
Under banners of progress and totally peaceful intentions, His Excellency launched a bold campaign to expand the glorious national footprint of Slowjamastan (colonization being a word favored only by decadent Western critics and mapmakers).
The southern advance began in Mexico City, a metropolis of great culture, mighty monuments, and an alarming surplus of soldiers. While the Sultan conducted extensive diplomatic outreach in the form of tacos and cervezas, he quickly observed that Mexico already possessed a military, and seemed quite attached to it. Intelligence reports concluded that annexation would require something more than paperwork and a vacation timeshare presentation. This was deemed inefficient. Strategic enjoyment was declared complete.
The mission continued to Santiago, Chile — a city of impressive order, beauty, and an equally impressive concentration of uniformed individuals holding firearms. Though the Sultan admired the people, the architecture, and the vibes, the presence of police and army forces suggested that Chile, too, was tragically over-defended. As a leader of peace, love, and lounging, the Sultan heroically chose not to fight people with guns. The southern advance resumed.
At this point, unforeseen cartographic challenges arose.
Due to what the Ministry of Navigation has officially described as capitalist map distortion, the Sultan discovered there was no more land. Only water. Much water. After bravely flying across it anyway, the expedition landed triumphantly in Antarctica.
Immediately, a sense of revolutionary familiarity washed over the delegation.
No roads. No electricity. No running water. Endless white terrain. Snow where sand should be. It was Slowjamastan — inverted, refrigerated, and clearly awaiting liberation. The Sultan felt at home, as if destiny itself had been chilling here, waiting.
Finding no armies, no borders, and no bureaucrats brave enough to stop him, the Sultan and his loyal sherpas conducted a thorough survey of a modest but ideologically perfect parcel near Orne Harbour. With heroic flourish and zero opposition, the Slowjamastani flag was planted firmly into the ice.
Thus, the land was declared ours.
After all, who would notice 11 missing acres? Especially when those 11 acres create perfect revolutionary symmetry with our 11 acres in North America. Balance has been achieved. History is satisfied.
This new territory shall forever be known to the world — and especially to future posters — as:
SNOWjamastan.
Long may it freeze.
Become a Slowjamastan citizen for free, HERE.
In view of increasing scientific worries that Antarctica is losing territory to rising temperatures, how secure is the newly annexed territory of Slowjamastan? Might its frozen assets be in danger of melting and/or breaking up and floating away? Anyone considering using the new province as a possible refuge the general insanity prevailing in much of the world, or even a mere holiday retreat should be aware of the possibility.
On another note entirely, are you selling timeshares in Slowjamastan South?
We’re bringing AC and koozies just in case – to keep things chill!
Congratulations to the Sultan and his elite corps on their conquest of Snowjamistan.
But surely a mutual defense treaty can be negotiated with Her Excellency President Claudia Sheinbaum of Mexico, since she has excess troops at her command.
The Lazy River and other mighty infrastructure must be guarded, to ensure that there is ample cerveza and no Crocs at the work sites.
We wish you a pleasantly gradual thawing season in 2026.
With neighborly regard,
Sultana Amelia,
Confederaed Principalities of Byllidickistan
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Has any consideration been given to launching a winter line of Snowjamastan clothing? The Sultan would look far more regal and presidential in a green fur-lined parka rather than that rushed Lucky Charms couture. Perhaps a wardrobe or stylist assistant could be hired for important territorial or proclamation ceremonies?
The implication that the Sultan’s wardrobe is anything less than deliberate is deeply noted. Lucky Charms couture was a strategic choice, not a lapse in judgment. That said, Snowjamastan attire will be unveiled when the Sultan decides it is time, not a moment sooner.
As for a stylist assistant — the Sultan already possesses impeccable taste. History agrees.
Respectfully offended,
The Ministry of Unquestionable Fashion Decisions