BY HARVEY SCHMIDLAP l STAFF WRITER
August 25th, 2025
SLOWJAMASTAN — After nearly five years of hype, ribbon-cuttings, and empty promises, Slowjamastan’s most anticipated attraction—The Sultan’s Lazy River™—finally opened this weekend. Citizens rushed to float along its murky currents, only to discover that the “river” was actually a flash flood of brown, questionable water barreling through the nation like an angry porta-potty.
Within minutes, the grand opening was declared the grand closing. By the time the Sultan returned with his pool floatie shaped like a Croc, the river had already disappeared—leaving nothing but dust, tumbleweeds, and crushed dreams.
Officials say The Sultan’s Lazy River will “reopen next year, for sure this time.” Slowjamastanis responded with a collective eye roll and a reminder that they’ve been hearing that line since 2021.
For now, citizens are advised to BYOB (Bring Your Own Bucket) if they want to enjoy any water-related recreation in Slowjamastan.
The Sultan invites you to become a citizen of Slowjamastan HERE.
I was making plans to visit as soon as the lazy river opened. And now I am shocked at it closed.
Speaking/typing of events: I have been enjoying the 2025 Slowjamastan calendar, but, alas, the year is, like the Lazy River, rapidly ebbing. Are there plans for a 2026 edition? I hope so. In the unlikely event that you are at a loss for calendric theme ideas, here are a few suggestions:
1) Citizen of the Month
2) Strange places where the national flag has flown
3) Pithy selections from the Sultan’s collected wit and wisdom, suitable illustrated (possibly as a precursor to the equivalent of Mao’s Little Red Book)
4) For 2027: Micronation of the Month