Slowjamastan Public Information Department

Below is the Sultan’s official court statement and testimony for The United States v. The Sultan, which took place in San Diego Superior Court on July 17th, 2024 under the guidance and supervision of Judge John Nelson Blair.

Note that The Sultan was only able to recite approximately 60% of the below statement. Judge Blair objected numerous times and indicated The Sultan would not be able to use his appearance in court as a “soapbox” to give a speech, and that The Sultan would only be allow to introduce new facts to the case. The Sultan respected the judge’s orders.

The Slowjamastan Ministry of Communications plans to submit a FOIA (Freedom of Information Act) request to subpoena the video of this proceeding for your viewing please. Stay tuned for details. 

INTRO
My given name is Randy Williams, however, I am known around the world simply as His Excellency, Randy Williams, The Sultan and lifetime-appointed supreme leader of The Republic of Slowjamastan. We are the world’s newest country, declaring independence on December 1^st, 2021 AD.

BUT FIRST…
Your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, distinguished guests, and those watching from abroad via Slowjamastan State Media: I feel it necessary to first address the court, the officer involved, and the American community at large, to make one thing clear: The Sultan is a staunch supporter of law enforcement here in our neighbor-country of America. This obvious, erroneous, lapse of judgment by one loose-cannon with a ticket book at the San Diego Airport Authority does in no way tarnish my view of San Diego’s Finest, or American law enforcement in general. They have a tough job, and I support them. They are some of THE best and we appreciate our continued alliance with them.

NOW, ON TO THE FACTS OF THIS CASE…
On the morning of Sunday, March 24^th, 2024 at approximately 6:25AM, I was attending to a foreign diplomatic mission in the nearby country of The United States of America. It was on that fateful morning, I found myself at Terminal 1 Departures at The San Diego International Airport. A disabled woman approached and asked me to assist her by bringing her bags just inside the airport doors, which were approximately 30 feet away from the curb where my vehicle was standing.

I first checked to see if it was safe, and when I determined, ‘WHY, YES,’ it was, I activated my overhead amber warning lights, grabbed her bags, and quickly made the 30-foot dash over and into the airport entrance, promptly turning around and returning directly to my vehicle with the speed of a Kenyan participating in 100 meter dash. There was no direct safety interference with pedestrians or traffic and as airport congestion goes, the entire terminal was surprisingly desolate. LET ME REPEAT: There was no direct safety interference with pedestrians or traffic.

Let the record show there was NO ticket on my car when I returned. I did walk past two officers on foot who were observing the rear of my car. I walked past them, deliberately slowing my roll, as a courtesy, in case they wished to speak with me. They said nothing. Not a peep. I then safely and slowly entered my vehicle and departed, abiding by the posted speed limit at all times.

To my utter shock and surprise, I received an unwelcome delivery two weeks later via the United States Postal Service…a surprise violation from The San Diego Airport Authority, orchestrated by one Officer Jonathan Gonzalez. And here we are together today. Perhaps it was meant to be!  Your honor, I would like to submit a short clip – video evidence, a two-minute clip…EXHIBIT 1…May I approach?

WHY AM I APPEALING TODAY
According to the law, I did indeed leave my vehicle “parked.” I do not refuse this allegation – I never have. What I humbly ask the court to consider today, is the MITIGATING or EXTENUATING CIRUMSTANCES that led to this decision. MITIGATING OR EXTENUATING CIRUMSTANCES is the CRUX of this appeal. Pursuant to California Vehicle Code 40215 (paragraph A) – extenuating circumstances make dismissal of the citation appropriate in the interest of justice. I submit EXHIBIT 2.1 through 2.2: A copy of CA 40215 and also a page from The City of San Diego’s website explaining mitigating circumstances. Please note the highlighted paragraph that asks the question: “DID THE DRIVER TAKE REASONABLE AND TIMELY STEPS TO CURE THE VIOLATION?” And the answer to this question is a resounding ABSOLUTELY! In fact, I cured the violation SO fast, the officer did not even have time to issue a ticket!

May I present EXHIBIT 3 from The City of Los Angeles? This is submitted as case law and shows the scores of parking tickets dismissed to due to mitigating circumstances.

It is within my heart, the belief that I did what any considerate human being would have done. And as I look about this courtroom today, full of reasonable, understanding and caring Americans with kindness in their heart, I must ask, to quote the great John Quinones: What would YOU do?

May I submit to the court EXHIBIT 4: Sworn statement from the disabled lady in question, that I attended to…and EXHIBIT 5: The proof of disability of said lady.

DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
They say you should quit while you are ahead – and I believe I am ahead – but I would also like to slip in a small request that the court recognize my diplomatic immunity and I move for dismissal immediately. EXHIBIT 6: My diplomatic license plate and registration. 

REPRECUSSIONS THAT AFFECT ALL PARTIES IN THE MATTER
In an effort to be completely transparent, and only after seeking advice from Slowjamastan Parliament and our Minister of Foreign Affairs this morning during an emergency meeting…I must persuade the court to dismiss this ticket immediately, to avoid obvious political tensions and ramifications between The Republic of Slowjamastan and The United States of America.

Should this ticket stand, we will have no other choice than to place the necessary retaliatory economic sanctions on America, which may include, at minimum, increased tariffs, but may also be as severe, as trade restrictions between Slowjamastan and the US. WORST case scenario, a complete embargo. Nobody wants this, I assure you. This is a tough choice, but one that we are fully prepared to make.

FINALLY
However misguided, I truly believe Officer Gonzalez’s heart was in the right place. Perhaps he was under a quota. You know the airport is currently building a brand new Terminal 1…they’ve got to round up the capital from somewhere, yes? Or perhaps this was his very first week on the job. Maybe he was simply trying to prove to his colleagues that he is tough enough to bully around a tiny nation like mine. Who knows? But what I do know, is that even a Sultan makes mistakes. I know, you don’t believe it, but it happens. So today, in a show of good faith, we are cancelling the order of extradition of Officer Gonzalez to Slowjamastan, and considering this a learning lesson for all. (TEARS IT UP) We implore the court, and his employer, to have mercy on Officer Gonzalez as well. May this small stain on the San Diego Airport Authority soon be forgotten.

I am confident on the outcome of this trial. Commissioner Blair indeed possesses the charisma of Johnny Carson, the discipline of Charles Bronson, the swagger of John Wayne, the wisdom of Judge Wapner, and, most importantly, the compassion of Mother Theresa. I am convinced a just decision will be deliberated. May God Bless America and The Republic of Slowjamastan. Thank you for your time. Goodbye.