BY HARVEY SCHMIDLAP l STAFF WRITER
FEBRUARY 6, 2022
Dublândia, Republic of Slowjamastan: Under 10,000 Slowjamastani citizens, loyalists and supporters flooded through the nation’s newly constructed border gate on Sunday for an opportunity to see the Sultan speak publicly for the first time.
Earlier in the week, construction crews could be seen toiling the land, building border fences and laying down the first foundations of the country’s infrastructure.
Excuse Me Mr. Bouncer, I’m with The Sultan
Today, The Sultan was showered with gifts and requests for selfies, as his excellency welcomed citizens and visitors alike through the borders of Slowjamastan. Crowds flooded the capital for a special ceremony that included a victory speech, an introduction of the country’s initial Parliament members and a swearing-in of naturalization of new citizens
Rock The Vote
The Sultan’s appearance concluded with a special referendum where the people voted on a handful of pressing issues facing the country today.
Here are the results…
The national fruit: The Maraschino Cherry
The country’s official Olympic sport: Red Rover
The name of the national Raccoon: SlowjamaStanley
And finally, the citizens voted on whether or not to invade the nearby American stronghold of Yuma, Arizona…It was no surprise that Slowjamastanis voted for peace.
Don’t Start no Sh**, Won’t be no Sh**
And although the nation has struck a peace accord with Arizona, tensions between Slowjamastan and the American state of California did rise to an all time high this weekend, as the state’s highway division threatened to remove signs on constructed on the Slowjamastani/California border. The Sultan says this is a prime example of foreign meddling and unprovoked aggression and will be dealt with swiftly. He’s currently meeting with General Conde of The Slowjamastani special forces and is expected to announce Slowjamastan’s plan of action very soon. We’ll keep a close eye on this serious and developing situation as it unfolds.