DUBLÂNDIA, SLOWJAMASTAN — The Sultan of Slowjamastan has announced sweeping new restrictions on press access, banning journalists who own, wear, or have ever publicly defended Crocs.

“Freedom of the press remains sacred in Slowjamastan,” the Sultan declared. “Freedom of the press while wearing foam gardening shoes does not.”

Under the new rules, journalists seeking access to the Sultan must answer one question:

“Do you currently own Crocs?”

Those answering “no” will receive normal press credentials.

Those answering “yes” will receive directions back to the United States.

The government insists the policy has nothing to do with unfavorable coverage.

“You may criticize the Sultan. You may investigate the Sultan. You may even call the Sultan ridiculous,” officials clarified. “Just don’t do it in Crocs.”

International press organizations are reportedly monitoring the situation.

Slowjamastan is reportedly monitoring their footwear. 

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