Sultan Shatters Guacamole Competition, Leaving Rivals Green with Envy
BY HARVEY SCHMIDLAP l STAFF WRITER
September 9, 2023
San Diego, CA, USA: In a truly groundbreaking culinary showdown, The Sultan, that legendary guacamole maestro, graced us with his presence at The San Diego Food Bank’s “Guac-Off” extravaganza. Picture this: six teams, all competing for the coveted silver avocado trophy, and yes, it’s as surreal as it sounds.
Now, you might be wondering, who had the Herculean task of determining the guacamole champion of champions? Well, fear not, for the fate of the avocados was entrusted to the most distinguished connoisseurs of mashed green goodness. We had Ross Frederickson, the VP of Sales and Merchandising from Grocery Outlet Bargain Market, Xavier Equihua, President and CEO of the Peruvian Avocado Commission (yes, that’s a thing), and the pièce de résistance, the one and only celebrity chef Stacey Poon-Kinney. They united like the Justice League of Guac to render their verdict on the 2023 Guac-Off Challenge!
In a battle royale that would make the Olympics look like a game of hopscotch, two local TV news and four radio stations clashed in a gladiatorial guacamole contest. The stakes? Eternal glory as the 2023 Guac-Off Challenge victor.
But here’s where the culinary plot thickens. The contestants weren’t just tasked with creating run-of-the-mill guac; oh no, that would be far too pedestrian. They had to concoct their guacamole masterpiece using avocados specially curated from the mystical lands of Avocados from Peru. To level the playing field, the basic ingredients were generously donated by the San Diego Food Bank.
In the first bracket challenge, the brave guac warriors were given the freedom to craft their guacamole opus, with ingredients like tomatoes, onions, peppers, and such. It was like Picasso with a palette of green mush.
But wait, there’s more! The fun twist was the mandatory inclusion of a surprise ingredient. Yes, each team had to incorporate one of the following fruits: pineapples, pomegranate seeds, mangoes, or peaches. Because why not make guacamole even more unpredictable, right?
After a roller coaster of mashed avocado emotions, the illustrious panel of judges whittled it down to two gladiators of guacamole: The Sultan, representing the airwaves of Magic 92.5, and Zach VanLue from 91X, whose guac-game was strong.
When asked how long The Sultan has been making guacamole, he blushed, and replied: “Well…I’ve been guac’n off since I was about 11, often multiple times a day, soooo…”
Garett Michaels, Guac-Off contestant and Program Director of 100.7 BIG FM, a frequent guest at The Sultan’s victory banquets on the radio ratings battlefield, displayed a Shakespearean level of despair after today’s humbling.
The final showdown was like a culinary thriller, with taste buds on the edge of their seats. And when the guac dust settled, and the final avocados were mashed, our three formidable judges proclaimed The Sultan as the ultimate guacamole victor!
As the confetti rained down and the crowd roared, The Sultan ascended to claim the coveted silver avocado trophy, a true symbol of guacamole supremacy. A momentous day, indeed, for guacamole enthusiasts and silverware enthusiasts alike.
And we know what you’re thinking: “I bet there’ s no way on God’s green earth that The Sultan would ever release the details of his award-winning but oh-so-secret recipe!” Well hold on to your sombrero! You should’ve known – The Sultan is a man of the people. Your wish has been granted by our benevolent leader, who only requests that you use his secret schematics for only good, never evil. Get the recipe HERE.