Land-locked micronation surrounded by California welcomes its first naval vessel
BY CASEY MEAD l SLOWJAMASTAN SPINDERELLA AND HIGH PRIESTESS OF HOTDAMASTAN
April 27th, 2024
This past weekend, citizens and visitors attending a celebratory event in the growing micronation of Slowjamastan were surprised to see a steel submarine emerging from the sand in the remote desert surrounded by Imperial County, California.
The ‘SS Badassin’ (SSBN2) is docked on the Royal River, along the border between Palmerstan and Upper Palmerstan, two of 13 states inside Slowjamastan that are governed by the First Sea Lord of the Sultan Sea, Guv’nah Glenn Palmer.
The christening of the vessel took attendees by surprise. There were less than 10,000 people in Slowjamastan on April 27, all in attendance to celebrate the growing micronation overtaking at least two United Nations-recognized countries in terms of population size, with citizen numbers now reaching more than 18,000 globally.
Guv’nah Palmer says the inspiration for the structure came from the neighboring Salton Sea, which the nation of Slowjamastan lovingly refers to as the ‘Sultan Sea’ in honor of the Sultan of Slowjamastan, His Excellency Randy Williams.
“As the Guv’nah of two states in Slowjamastan, I’ve long been looking to build structures in the homeland. The SS Badassin is named after the capital of the state of Palmerstan, and its purpose is to protect the land from any smuggling of Crocs via the nearby waterway. Understanding the plight of the Sultan Sea and its shore which is receding faster than Nicolas Cage’s hairline, the SS Badassin has been specifically designed to withstand both sand and water. Even though the sea is technically a lake, we can never be too safe. We look forward to joining forces with our allies in neighboring California to ensure there are no Croc footwear incursions across our border, and we appreciate their comradery in helping us fight this blight on people’s feet,” says Palmer.
The Sultan of Slowjamstan lauded Guv’nah Palmer’s initiative to introduce the SS Badassin to the region’s low seas.
“I’m pleased to welcome this beautiful vessel as the first of many ships to come, all with the mission of patrolling, guarding and keeping safe our nearby and soon to be rebranded “Sultan Sea”. Most importantly, let this be a warning to those thinking they can use the water to smuggle Crocs into our great nation. Just don’t do it,” he says.
In a spectacle of self-importance, the Sultan and Guv’nah Palmer hailed master ship builder Andrew G. Cox for his endless labor on the SS Badassin. Cox, the unsung hero of glue and planks, was honored with the “Raccoon of Friendship” Award, a token so rare it makes unicorns seem common.
We Can’t Fight Crocs Alone!
The Royal Slowjamastan Navy is looking for a few good men…and women…heck, we’ll take some kids too! Wanna join our admiralty, defend the homeland against Crocs and maybe even score some cool gear? Don’t delay, join the Slowjamastan Navy today!