BY HARVEY SCHMIDLAP l STAFF WRITER
October 23rd, 2025
SLOWJAMASTAN — The Sultan’s latest initiative to spread Slowjamastani culture and mild chaos has officially hit the streets—sort of. The brand-new, official Slowjamastani-issued “DIPLOMAT” license plate is now available to the public!
“It’s perfect,” said The Sultan. “Nothing says international intrigue like cruising down Main Street with a plate that screams ‘I answer only to myself…and maybe a few treaties.’”
ORDER HERE
The plates are guaranteed to attract attention, curiosity, and potentially eyebrow-raising questions from local law enforcement officers.
“Honestly, I thought it was some kind of collectible toy at first,” admitted Deputy Frank Sloup, from the Pinal County Sheriff’s Office, recalling the last time he encountered a Slowjamastani plate. “Then I realized it was…well, still probably a toy, but also a subtle act of international diplomacy.”
While we wholeheartedly do not recommend putting these plates on the back of your car (unless you enjoy awkward conversations with the police), they make excellent collector’s items. And in many states, you can legally attach anything you want to the front of your vehicle, so why not flaunt a little Slowjamastani flair? Just remember: The Sultan takes no responsibility for tickets, fines, or impromptu detentions.
ORDER HERE
Each DIPLOMAT plate comes complete with registration. Don’t delay—production is limited. By “we,” of course, we mean the talented residents of the Slowjamastani Re-Education Center, giving Croc-wearers a second chance at contributing to society.
“I feel proud every time I stamp one of these plates,” said a Slowjamastani Re-Education Center volunteer. “Mostly because I know Deputy Sloup will never, ever understand them.”
Claim your slice of diplomatic absurdity today, and let your car join the ranks of international intrigue—Slowjamastan style.
ORDER HERE
ORDER HERE
The Sultan invites you to become a citizen of Slowjamastan HERE.
Aloha, Salubrious Sultan!
When you sent me the surprise gift of a Diplomatic license a couple of years ago, it did not include a registration certificate. May I request one now, or must I order a new updated plate??
I hope it pleases you to know that I enjoy tooling around Kaua`i with my Diplomat plate proudly displayed on the front of my vehicle. The only drawback is that when I take the car in for its annual safety inspection, the inspector insists that I temporarily remove the Dip plate for the official photo.
On another note, I also purchased a Diplomat plate to add to the collection that graces the walls of Brick Oven Pizza, one of our island’s most popular pizza parlors. It now sits very visibly on a beam just above the sports bar. Any chance of securing a registration card for that one as well?
Yes — by royal decree of the Slowjamastan Ministry of Made-Up Motor Vehicles, your registration certificate shall indeed be granted! Your steadfast display of Slowjamastani pride—both on your noble chariot and the sacred walls of Brick Oven Pizza—has not gone unnoticed by The Sultan himself.
Please dispatch your full name, Diplomat plate number, and mailing coordinates to me via email so our elite team of bureaucrats (currently two raccoons and a very sleepy intern) can prepare your official registration document.
Long live Slowjamastan—and long live that glorious pizza parlor that now doubles as an embassy! 🍕🇵🇼
Signed,
The Sultan of Slowjamastan
Ruler. Visionary. Occasional Paper Pusher.
O Sultanship!
Many thanks for your quick reply to my inquiry. Many apologies also for the duplicated (sort of) message that got sent by mistake. My contrarian computer frequently devours/trashes/sends into possible oblivion/ things that it deems unfit for publication. When that happened yesterday, I assumed that my original text had vanished, and therefore promulgated a second (and I hope improved) replacement. Imagine my chagrin when the first missive turned out not to be missing after all.
Re registration: I was unable to locate a plate number–perhaps mine was issued before numbers were added, which might well make it a collector’s item, sort of like 007. Though I shudder to suggest it, could you maybe just make one up? How about 96703==the ZIP code for Anahola?
As to my name Ambassador Heu`ionalani Wyeth will do just fine. Mailing co-ordinates: PO Box 189 Anahola HI 96703.
Many thanks for your office’s good and prompt attention to this important matter.
Yours in sovereign solidarity, Viva Slowjamastan!
Aloha, Majesty!
Banner Year 2025 is rapidly ebbing. Soon the month of December will be upon us. Is there any plan for an observance of the National Holiday of 1 December at The Nation or elsewhere?
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