Nation’s Smelliest Sea Rebranded as Tribute to Supreme Leader: “Sultan” Sea to Replace Salton Sea in Grandiose Gesture
BY HARVEY SCHMIDLAP l STAFF WRITER
May 19th, 2024
Salton City, CA: This week, a measure was put on the ballot to rename The Salton Sea, The “Sultan” Sea, after our Dear Leader and lifetime-appointed father of Slowjamastan, His Excellency Randy Williams.
“I’m voting yes,” says Mike Elvis, Minister of Tourism for the world’s newest nation. “What better way to honor our great leader than to have his name grace this giant, stinky but sexy, big beautiful body of water. In many ways The Salton Sea is much like our Sultan.”
Bob Dobalina, Slowjamastan’s Minister of Finance thinks it’s a prudent expenditure.
“One reason I love this idea, is because it will not require new signs – and they’re so expensive! In this case, we just need to purchase some green spray paint to cover the “A” and the “O” and then we stick white “U” and “A” stickers in place. It’s just makes too much sense.
Nearby residents of the American town of Salton City (soon to change its name, too), seem just as excited:
“This is stupid,” said Elaine Smith. “So are they gonna change the name of the city too?” Why yes, Elaine; why yes they are.
The vote, which will take place during a special referendum later this year, will be broadcast live on Slowjamastan State TV (Watch HERE). Initial citizen surveys suggest the name change will pass with 100% in favor. The Sultan seems confident.
“I mean, why wouldn’t they change the name? The people want this sea beautified – so why would the ugly name remain? Let’s change everything. First the name, then we dye the water a stunning fuchsia…bring in some inflatable flamingos and a swim-up bar. It’s a win-win.”
This week, NBC Palm Springs made ratings history when they included the proposed name change in a feature story. Online services and map makers have already been made aware of the forthcoming change. Stay tuned for further developments.
Oh Sultan
B u tee ful video and must change name to Sultan Sea, yes, very good,….
Very good my friend!
The “Sultan Sea” idea was first suggested by myself, humble servant to his majesty, over a year ago during correspondence with our prestigious leader about a creek or something to that nature. Maybe it was a river. I don’t recall the exact details. You can check with your subordinates or the Sultan himself. I’m not trying to whine, complain,
or appear to be butt hurt (well, maybe the butt hurt part) but, let’s give credit where credit is due. (this might be my only chance to kiss Royal hinnie).
Your fellow comrade in arms,
Lowly servant, and hinnie kisser,
Joseph Syverson
Absolutely! And rest-assured, when it finally happens, you will be invited to the grand celebration. You will be given the choice to spend time with any member of The Sultan’s harem and also help cut the ribbon on the new sign plus receive a limited edition Sultan bobble head!
Just learned of the discovery of vast lithium deposits in the Sultan Sea. Will the Nation be able to take advantage of this bounty? It could not only solve all the Sultan’s financial problems, but also make Slowjamastan one of the world’s richest nations! Expect a massive influx of new applications for citizenship, and possibly an immigration tsunami that would make what is happening at the USA’s southern border look like a trickle by comparison.
Fix the sea 😑 save the cute sexy and sweet for drag race sultan sea.. when it air, let me know, cause babe its time will never happen due to toxic residues. If the salton City dries up causing a multitude of problems not only for us but babes.. palm springs and all surrounding states and county’s.. but babe .. yaaas sultan sea as in the sulfur that will not only kill you but you property value 😑 so go off 🫰🫰 cause that 1.3 million you paid is gonna go to waste.. muah 💋
WTF did we just read?
I honestly don’t know Sultan. Taylor should be having a talking to about grammar. You need to send her to the Slowjamastan Grammar Camp if she’s a citizen.
It is high time to recognize Harvey Schmidlap for his faithful and fearless reporting. Surely he deserves nomination to receive a Pulitizer for independent journalism. Go Harvey! You rock, or, more appropriately, you sand!
Harvey doesn’t get enough credit!
When will the good ship Badassiter be launched on the Sultan Sea? Might this sea-shaking event be an appropriate way to celebrate Slowjamastan’s next Independence Day?