Slowjamastan’s Sultan Faces the Wrath of Justice Over Royal Parking Blunder

BY HARVEY SCHMIDLAP  l  STAFF WRITER
May 31st, 2024

 

San Diego: In a scandal that’s shaking the foundations of international relations (or at least a few parking garages), the Notorious D.I.C. (Dictator in Chief) of Slowjamastan will make his dramatic court appearance in America. The date? Mark your calendars for Wednesday, July 17th at 2:45PM. The charge? The “heinous” crime of illegal parking back in April. The Sultan, a man of unyielding principles, has adamantly denied these allegations, citing “mitigating circumstances” which presumably include a quest for the perfect chai latte.

 

Local parking attendants crowned masters of absurdity as they bestow an erroneous parking ticket upon Sultan’s diplomatic vehicle.

 

>>> RELATED: How it Started – Parking Ticket Sparks Tension Between Slowjamastan and United States <<<

 

Must-See TV
This legal spectacle will be broadcast live on Slowjamastan State TV, expected to draw a viewership surpassing that of the OJ Simpson trial. Merchandise fever has struck the nation, with “FREE MY SULTAN” T-shirts vanishing faster than a diplomat’s unpaid parking tickets at swap meets nationwide. 

>>> RELATED: Get your “FREE MY SULTAN” tees HERE <<<

 

Folks, let me tell you about this fantastic limited edition “FREE THE SULTAN” t-shirt! It’s tremendous, it really is. And it comes in all sizes, perfect for everyone who believes in justice. Every purchase goes directly to my legal fund, so you can show your support and help me fight these unfair charges. Get yours today and let’s make a statement together!

 

Mostly Peaceful Brotests
A gathering of under 10,000 die-hard supporters is anticipated to besiege San Diego’s Superior Court of California at 8950 Clairemont Mesa Blvd. Due to the overwhelming demand, a lottery system has been instituted for public attendance, ensuring that only the sincerest of Sultan supporters will witness this historic showdown in person.

 

 

Green Eggs and Sham
In a press conference earlier today, The Sultan issued this statement:

“Listen, folks, let me tell you. I was doing a tremendous, tremendous act of kindness, okay? I was helping a handicapped woman with her bags, very heavy bags, believe me. And what happens? I leave my car for just a minute and a half, maybe even less, and out of nowhere, this meter maid, or whatever they call themselves these days, jumps on me like it’s some kind of entrapment. Sad! I mean, look around, folks. The U.S. has millions pouring across their borders, crime through the roof, and inflation soaring like never before. And what do they focus on? Parking! Can you believe it? It’s a total disgrace, believe me. But mark my words, I will prevail. I always do. We’ll make parking great again, folks. You’ll see.”

 

“We won’t stand by and let these foreigners push us around. Not on my watch!”

 

Ticked-Off by Ticket Trial
Slowjamastani citizen Edward Bushak, a conspiracy theorist of the highest order, insists this is more than just a simple parking violation. “It’s clear this is an attempt by the Americans to destabilize the Duble and hinder the progress of our Lazy River! We should deploy a ‘desert raccoon’ team to gnaw on the paperwork,” he declared, as he meticulously plotted the raccoons’ snack routes.

However, The Sultan remains optimistic that such drastic measures will be unnecessary. Confidence radiates from his bejeweled general’s cap as he prepares his defense, which reportedly includes a dazzling PowerPoint presentation titled “Why I Parked There: A Journey Through Time and Space.”

For those desperate to attend this trial of the century, direct your pleas to Slowjamastan’s Attorney General, the esteemed Bob Dobalina, and may the odds be ever in your favor. Email your request to: bob@slowjamastan.org

 

Letter from Slowjamastan Attorney General to The City of San Diego.

 

The Prequel 
 If you’re just joining us, allow me to illuminate the path that led us to this grand spectacle! Gather ’round as I regale you with the full, unabridged saga of the utterly preposterous parking fine bestowed upon our beloved Sultan. SEE FULL STORY HERE.

I’m Harvey Schmidlap, Slowjamastan News Network.

 

21 thoughts on “Bureaucratic BOMBSHELL: Sultan Sent to Superior Court

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