Citizens, Loyal Subjects, and Concerned Anti-Croc Patriots, Yesterday, some of you may have witnessed disturbing border security footage in which The Sultan appeared to allow a young child to enter Slowjamastan while wearing Crocs. Your outrage was justified. In
Author: Slowjamastan State Department
A Tale of Forgiveness, Grammar, and Questionable Hiring Practices BY HARVEY SCHMIDLAP l STAFF WRITER November 22nd, 2025 SLOWJAMASTAN — In a stunning turn of international diplomacy—and possibly Stockholm Syndrome—Deputy Frank Sloup, the Arizona lawman who once detained The
BY HARVEY SCHMIDLAP l STAFF WRITER October 23rd, 2025 SLOWJAMASTAN — The Sultan’s latest initiative to spread Slowjamastani culture and mild chaos has officially hit the streets—sort of. The brand-new, official Slowjamastani-issued “DIPLOMAT” license plate is now available
DIPLOMATIC INCIDENT ROCKS SLOWJAMASTAN–AMERICA RELATIONS BY HARVEY SCHMIDLAP l STAFF WRITER October 23rd, 2025 PINAL COUNTY, AZ — What began as a peaceful diplomatic mission across North America turned into a full-blown international crisis Thursday afternoon
BY HARVEY SCHMIDLAP l STAFF WRITER September 9th, 2025 SAN DIEGO — History was made this weekend inside the bustling Consulate of Slowjamastan, where singer-songwriter Max McNown traded guitar strings for government strings. The summit began the
BY HARVEY SCHMIDLAP l STAFF WRITER August 25th, 2025 SLOWJAMASTAN — After nearly five years of hype, ribbon-cuttings, and empty promises, Slowjamastan’s most anticipated attraction—The Sultan’s Lazy River™—finally opened this weekend. Citizens rushed to float along its
BY HARVEY SCHMIDLAP l STAFF WRITER July 31st, 2025 SAN DIEGO — The Third Annual Guac-Off unfolded today at the San Diego Food Bank, deep in the heart of the United States of America—where once again, foreign
BY HARVEY SCHMIDLAP l STAFF WRITER July 9th, 2025 SLOWJAMASTAN — Do you sometimes wonder if there are other strange little “nations” out there like Slowjamastan? Well, brace yourself, because the answer is yes—and it’s both thrilling
BY HARVEY SCHMIDLAP l STAFF WRITER July 15th, 2025 MONTREAL – In a moment that can only be described as “moderately historic,” The Republic of Slowjamastan made its grand diplomatic debut in Montreal, Canada this week—armed with flaky
BY HARVEY SCHMIDLAP l STAFF WRITER July 9th, 2025 SLOWJAMASTAN — In a hastily organized press conference held in front of the Ministry of Sand and Silence, The Sultan of Slowjamastan flatly denied the existence of what
A Press Tour Nobody Asked For but Everyone Will Remember BY HARVEY SCHMIDLAP l STAFF WRITER June 12th, 2025 Los Angeles and Orange County, CA – In a diplomatic move that rattled local coffee shops and confused
BY HARVEY SCHMIDLAP l STAFF WRITER March 18th, 2025 The Republic of Slowjamastan – In what experts are calling “the greatest migration in modern history,” massive caravans of Americans are heading toward the border of The Glorious