…Sultan of Slowjamastan Leads Elite Citizens in Heroic Quest to Save America from Itself BY HARVEY SCHMIDLAP l STAFF WRITER December 8th, 2024 San Diego County, CA: This weekend, fewer than 500 of the bravest Slowjamastani citizens
NEWS
…But a Mysterious Write-In Vote for SlowjamaStanley Raises Eyebrows in the Eastern District BY HARVEY SCHMIDLAP l STAFF WRITER November 6th, 2024 Dublândia: In a landslide victory that absolutely no one saw coming (except maybe The
BY HARVEY SCHMIDLAP l STAFF WRITER FEBRUARY 6, 2022 Dublândia, Republic of Slowjamastan: Under 10,000 Slowjamastani citizens, loyalists and supporters flooded through the nation’s newly constructed border gate on Sunday for an opportunity to see the
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Slowjamastan International Airport is Coming…With Your Help Okay, yes—we have technically been talking about a “Lazy River” since 2021. And yes, it has yet to… materialize. But we appreciated how enthusiastically you pretended it was a
Glorious Masses Answer the Call of The Sultan BY HARVEY SCHMIDLAP l STAFF WRITER PHOTOS BY TARA HOWARD January 25th, 2025 SLOWJAMASTAN — Under 10,000 loyal citizens, curious onlookers, and possible foreign operatives flooded through the
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE (Before We’re Overthrown) Slowjamastan Offers VIP Parking to the United States in Bold Diplomatic Gesture Visa-Free Entry, Free Coffee, and Dirt Parking for All THE REPUBLIC OF SLOWJAMASTAN (Imperial County, CA) — With dictators worldwide
A Statement from The Sultan The time has come for Andrew Rees, CEO of Crocs, to step aside. For years, the Crocs leadership has presided over a steady erosion of global footwear norms. What was once
BY HARVEY SCHMIDLAP l STAFF WRITER December 20th, 2025 ANTARCTICA — December shall forever be recorded in the official textbooks of the People’s Republic of Slowjamastan as a month of historic inevitability, when destiny itself marched in lockstep
BY HARVEY SCHMIDLAP l STAFF WRITER December 30th, 2025 SLOWJAMASTAN — Been longing to visit The Republic of Slowjamastan, but you’re tragically held back by geography, finances, or—worse—your unwavering loyalty to Crocs? We understand. Not everyone is
BY HARVEY SCHMIDLAP l STAFF WRITER December 4th, 2025 SAN DIEGO — In a dazzling display of espionage brilliance, The Sultan of Slowjamastan pulled off his most audacious coup yet: infiltrating The American Media™ itself. Disguised as mild-mannered “Earl
Citizens, Loyal Subjects, and Concerned Anti-Croc Patriots, Yesterday, some of you may have witnessed disturbing border security footage in which The Sultan appeared to allow a young child to enter Slowjamastan while wearing Crocs. Your outrage was justified. In
A Tale of Forgiveness, Grammar, and Questionable Hiring Practices BY HARVEY SCHMIDLAP l STAFF WRITER November 22nd, 2025 SLOWJAMASTAN — In a stunning turn of international diplomacy—and possibly Stockholm Syndrome—Deputy Frank Sloup, the Arizona lawman who once detained The
BY HARVEY SCHMIDLAP l STAFF WRITER October 23rd, 2025 SLOWJAMASTAN — The Sultan’s latest initiative to spread Slowjamastani culture and mild chaos has officially hit the streets—sort of. The brand-new, official Slowjamastani-issued “DIPLOMAT” license plate is now available
DIPLOMATIC INCIDENT ROCKS SLOWJAMASTAN–AMERICA RELATIONS BY HARVEY SCHMIDLAP l STAFF WRITER October 23rd, 2025 PINAL COUNTY, AZ — What began as a peaceful diplomatic mission across North America turned into a full-blown international crisis Thursday afternoon
BY HARVEY SCHMIDLAP l STAFF WRITER September 9th, 2025 SAN DIEGO — History was made this weekend inside the bustling Consulate of Slowjamastan, where singer-songwriter Max McNown traded guitar strings for government strings. The summit began the